After installation, I boot up the game and am greeted with this abomination:
Apparently this is a main menu screen
Where do I start with this? Well, first off there is NO options screen here, which is simply outrageous for a PC game. Next, the actual screen itself is just a black background with the logo pasted on top of it and some smoke effects going on as well. It doesn't even have the title of the game. This is, by far, the UGLIEST main menu screen I have seen in years. The main menu of Oblivion was good, so why did they go for a piece of shit in Skyrim? Why not just do something similar to Oblivion? It's amazing...
The loading screens look like shit too...
All the loading screens are disgraceful
Well, after starting, I found myself being held prisoner (prisoner again? nice to see they're doing something new) with three other guys being taken to some town/city/whatever.
Everyone goes on about how good the graphics in this game are, but I'm not impressed. Sure, they are good, but I never once thought "Wow, this is pretty damn good!". For the record, I have all the settings on 100% max at 1920x1080 resolution. The likes of Crysis (1 and 2), Battlefield 3 and Uncharted 3 have better graphics, I say. But oh well, it takes a lot more than graphics to make a good game.
After what seemed like 10 minutes of bullshit, I finally arrived, got off the cart and customised my character. The controls for this part are proof that this game was built specifically for consoles and then badly ported over to the PC; for example, you can't use the mouse to adjust the slider bars and you have to use the keyboard to confirm rather than the good old fashioned button click. It truly is amazing that you can't use the mouse properly in this game (when talking with NPCs the game cries when you try and use a mouse, you can barely use the mouse in the menu screens, etc... It's a complete joke). The only explanation for this is that they simply couldn't be fucked to put any effort into the PC port.
I couldn't be bothered to make my own, so I just used a preset
Next, we get a scene which is actually pretty brutal. I've never played the manhunt games (which are supposed to be violent/brutal), so I can't compare it to those games, but basically some guy gets his head hacked off, which is something I'm pretty sure I haven't seen in a game before (well, not with the level of detail shown in Skyrim, at least). I didn't exactly find it "disturbing", it just surprised me; I didn't expect the game to open up with that. I certainly don't remember anything like that in Oblivion.
Fatality
This is the sort of thing anti-video game activists masturbate over. When I saw it in game, I could practically hear Jack Thompson scream "Ah! THIS WILL MAKE ALL THE CHILDREN GO OUT AND BEHEAD PEOPLE! I must warn the world in order to prevent this tragedy from ever occurring! THIS GAME MUST BE BANNED!".
Anyway, next it's my character's turn. I got put into position, but just as the jackass was about to take my head, a dragon showed up and destroyed everything. I made my escape and, after getting unbound, grabbed a sword and looked for some ass to kick. Unfortunately, the only ass that was kicked was my own; I bumped into a couple of soldiers and tried fighting them, but my flails were ineffective and I quickly lost most of my health.
Captain Epic used Flail! ... Nothing happened!
Since I had absolutely no chance of beating them, I decided to beat a very brave retreat. I ran past them and continued to my destination.
At last, I was out of there and into the vast world of Skyrim. I went off on my way, following the destination icon. En route, I came across some guy with his dog. "Bandit!" I cried as I ran in, firing arrows in his general direction. I swiftly took down his dog and engaged in an epic bow + arrow duel with him in which I emerged triumphant. It wasn't until after I killed him when I realised that this guy wasn't actually a bandit; he was just some hunter minding his own business.
 |
| Shit... Sorry about that, dude... |
Rather than defiling his corpse for his equipment, I left the poor guy to rest in peace and continued to my destination.
In Riverwood I found the guy I'm supposed to talk to, "Alvor". Unfortunately, he didn't want to talk to me for some reason; I kept following him around talking to him but none of the conversation options satisfied the game, so the story didn't progress.
In Riverwood I found the guy I'm supposed to talk to, "Alvor". Unfortunately, he didn't want to talk to me for some reason; I kept following him around talking to him but none of the conversation options satisfied the game, so the story didn't progress.
Talk to Alvor in Riverwood? I already have... five times! What more do you want me to do?
After constant pestering, he finally decided to talk to me about the dragon attack. He tells me to go to Whiterun, because he's too lazy to go himself. So, I head off to my next destination...
I come across the city of Whiterun and, after about five minutes of wondering around like an idiot, finally found the way in. Upon arrival, I was immediately greeted by a young girl, who told me her life story and then walked off. Right... Well, that was random. It fascinates me that most people you walk past tell you their life story in this game.
I continued on to my destination, hearing the life stories of half the population of Whiterun en route. After more story progression, I get sent on a mission to find some kind of stone from the depths of "Bleak Falls Barrow". On my way out of the city I found a couple of kids, one of which was bullying the other into giving money. This kid (who is a girl, by the way) is apparently a real tough guy who claims to be unafraid of anyone and anything. She also thinks she can "bloody your face", which is interesting considering she's a small girl, without armour or weapons, and I'm a big dude with a monstrous beard, geared up with armour and brutal weaponry.
I come across the city of Whiterun and, after about five minutes of wondering around like an idiot, finally found the way in. Upon arrival, I was immediately greeted by a young girl, who told me her life story and then walked off. Right... Well, that was random. It fascinates me that most people you walk past tell you their life story in this game.
I continued on to my destination, hearing the life stories of half the population of Whiterun en route. After more story progression, I get sent on a mission to find some kind of stone from the depths of "Bleak Falls Barrow". On my way out of the city I found a couple of kids, one of which was bullying the other into giving money. This kid (who is a girl, by the way) is apparently a real tough guy who claims to be unafraid of anyone and anything. She also thinks she can "bloody your face", which is interesting considering she's a small girl, without armour or weapons, and I'm a big dude with a monstrous beard, geared up with armour and brutal weaponry.
Clearly a formidable foe
Not afraid, eh? We'll see about that... I drew my sword and started beating her ass. Immediately, she cowered in fear and tried running away. I gave chase, slashing away at her whenever I got close enough. However, after a very brief chase, it all ended in tears because the guards apparently didn't like the fact I was slashing a little girl.
How could this happen to me?
Well, after the game loaded up from my last save, I ignored the little bitch this time and head off to my destination. This time I was actually able to find the entrance without wondering around like a fool. After entering, I fought my way along a passageway so linear it makes Final Fantasy XIII look open-ended and eventually came upon a huge beast of a spider.
It is an unwritten law that all fantasy based Western RPGs must have at least one giant spider, apparently
I opted for the one-handed sword and shield combo for this fight. I began by barbarically charging in, flailing around like Magikarp, and hacked away at the beast. Things didn't go too well, and after about 10 seconds of flailing, disaster struck...
I've made my mistakes...
Well, that didn't go as planned. Evidently, the barbaric flailing strategy is never going to take this beast down.
Because this game bears a grudge against regular auto-saving, it started me off back at the entrance to the place. So, I once again fought my way through linearity and got back to the big spider for round 2. This time, I decided to kick things off with a fire scroll attack, which is very conveniently sat around on a table immediately before the spider encounter... Right...
After blasting it with fire, which didn't do a great deal of damage, I whipped out my wood and hid out of range of the beast, firing arrows at it while safely behind cover.
The good old "take cover and fire arrows" strategy is clearly the way to go
This time I successfully took down the beast and proceeded to free some guy trapped in a web. Turns out he has an item I need, the "Golden Claw", and tries running off with it. Considering he's called "Arvel the Swift", he didn't act very swiftly after being freed; he didn't even get out of the webbed area before I killed him.
"Swift", eh? Not swift enough to escape my wrath!
After taking the golden claw, I proceeded down the road of infinite linearity. Along the way, I fought with some strange, presumably undead, creatures called "Draugr". These guys are definitely tougher than regular bandits; it takes a fair few hits to take them down. One thing about them confuses me though - Why do they all carry money?
The undead need money too, apparently
Do they wander into nearby towns to purchase essential supplies with their earnings? What exactly is their job anyway? Well, maybe they just died with money still on them and no one bothered to relieve them of it... Who knows? It's just disturbing.
I then came up against my greatest foe yet - swinging blades...
This is clearly going to end in disaster...
I went back to my barbaric roots and just charged straight ahead. Miraculously, I survived, though I did get hit once which left me with a seriously small amount of health. My lack of health potions was rather disturbing... I was forced to go on ahead with my limited remaining health and hope for the best. Right around the corner, yet another undead guy showed up. I spam-fired arrows at him but that didn't take him down, so I attempted to get my one-handed sword and shield out and finish him off, but tragically I left it too late and couldn't swap over in time... Thanks to my lack of health, I went down in one hit.
I've got nowhere to run...
It's a shame auto-save killed Skyrim's family, leaving the game with a bitter grudge against it. If it didn't kill Skyrim's family, I wouldn't have to start from the entrance yet again. "Why don't you just manually save?", you ask? There are two reasons:
1- I can't be bothered
2- The menus are a pain to use because of the fail of the PC port
Well, I'm up to 57 minutes of play now and there's no way I'll make it back to where I was in 3 minutes, so I'll leave it at that.
Overall, I'm not impressed... The sword combat, like Oblivion, mainly consists of flailing around and hoping you get lucky. Admittedly, it's more refined than Oblivion but the gameplay definitely isn't that impressive. If the game had a "lock-on" system, where you can focus on an opponent to attack rather than flailing all over the place, then the gameplay would be a lot better. Another thing that disturbs me is the fact you have to equip a spell to cast now, rather than pressing a "cast" button like on Oblivion. I personally think the Oblivion way is much better and it makes me sick that I have to sacrifice a weapon or shield to unleash a spell. The fact that the PC version is a disgraceful port of the console versions is simply unacceptable and effort should have gone into it to make the controls and such more appropriate for the PC. It seems to me that they spent all their time making the console version, then at the last minute decided to port it over to the PC to make more money...
*Meanwhile, at Bethesda Game Studios...*
Dick
At last, the console version is complete.
Bob
What about the PC version?
Dick
Yes, yes, of course. We shall spend the last week of development porting it over to the PC.
Bob
Only a week for the PC version?
Dick
PC gaming is weak, so it is not worth putting effort into its release.
Bob
Then why not just make it console exclusive, since it has been developed specifically for consoles?
Dick
Never! We must sucker the arrogant PC gamers who think their system is so superior into giving us money for a disgraceful port.
Bob
So, you want to piss off the entire PC fanbase?
Dick
It is all part of my ultimate plan to destroy the world of PC gaming once and for all.
Bob
PC gaming is already nearly dead, thanks to the likes of Steam and DRM technology. Now it seems to be getting even worse with developers making games for consoles, then putting little effort into the PC port. Hardly anyone makes games specifically for PC anymore...
Dick
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.
Bob
Right... So, for the PC version, what are we going to do about mouse control and keyboard shortcuts. The shortcuts should be the same as in Oblivion so people who played Oblivion on PC can easily adapt to Skyrim, right?
Dick
There shall be minimal mouse control; the PC gamer must suffer using a keyboard for most of the control in game, such as character customisation and operating the menu screens. We must change all the shortcuts to infuriate the arrogant PC gamers further. The similarities to Oblivion must be minimal.
Regarding the story - as usual with most western RPGs, I don't find it particularly interesting. Though saying that, I am only an hour in so it wouldn't be fair to call it crap before it even gets going.
So, yeah, not a particularly impressive game thus far and definitely doesn't live up to the outrageous hype it had. Also, the PC version is disgraceful and I would advise anyone to go for the console version instead, if they have one of the consoles... I would say "I'll give it a chance and play through for a long time before dismissing it as crap", but in my experience all western RPGs are boring and I very rarely complete them; I've played a lot of western RPGs in my time and I can only think of one game I've actually completed - Knights of the Old Republic 2 (which is pretty mediocre, by the way). So, I doubt this game will be any different for me.
